i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
