i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
