I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
