i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
