Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
