He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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