what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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