i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
