We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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