Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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