i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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