I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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