May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dignity is for republicans.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
