We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
