im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
