last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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