it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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