She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
