your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
