I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
