My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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