I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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