Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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