Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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