Small penises have feelings too.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
