I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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