My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
