She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
