I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
