I'm so fucking centered right now
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
