so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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