dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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