Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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