rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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