If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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