What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
