I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
