Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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