I just threw up on my dentist
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
