He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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