if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
