I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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