The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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