Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
