So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
