the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
