matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Omg the world wants us to be better people