dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.