it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.