"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
