my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
