I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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