I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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