if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
it's like iHOP with fire
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
