I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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